Finding Himself at 50...

B. Kent Burns, aka my big brother, woke up to find himself at 50 today. Over the course of the past week I have found myself really thinking about it. I have spent a couple of late nights going down memory lane. Looking at old pictures of the two of us. It just seems a bit unreal to me.

I realized that out of those 50 years, we only actually lived together for 13. He was 5 when I was born and went away to college at IU when he was 18. Thirteen years barely seems like a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. In fact, we built the house I live in now 16 years ago this month. So I have lived here longer than I ever lived with my brother. Somehow though, it feels like we spent a lifetime together in that house on the hill in the woods. And some of the greatest memories I have come from that short period in time.

We had the typical brother/sister love/hate relationship in the early years. And to this day we rarely speak without calling eachother "queer" or "maggot." But to us, those are the terms of highest endearment. There has never been a single day of my life that I have not looked up to, respected, been proud of and loved him beyond measure. He always has been and always will be my hero.

Happy Birthday Queer <3

Christmas morning in Loogootee

Our house in the woods

With our new baby brother

Christmas at Mom's about 9 years ago

Florida 2011

50th Bday Party

Moments....

You know when you have those moments of clarity in the middle of an event, or a situation, or a conversation when you stop a minute and you know you will remember that moment forever. When the rest of the world goes still and the reality of that instant is being ingrained in your soul for all time. I had a couple of those yesterday.

I had an appt. with my surgeon yesterday morning to schedule my gallbladder surgery. Isn't that lovely. Three surgeries in one year. I asked him to take my appendix as well so there won't be anything left to remove... unfortunately I couldn't get him to go for that. :) Any way, every time I go to the Medical Arts Bldg. in Jasper I pass the big cemetery...it's the cemetery the hospital uses for the babies that die in early pregnancy. I have had a baby in that cemetery for 9 years now... but I have never visited. I must've driven by hundreds of times over the years and there hasn't been a single time I didn't think of the baby there. But I have never been able to turn into that drive. Until yesterday.

I had been told where the stone was. You can sort of see it from the road. As I got closer I could see all the little angels lined up around it. Angels put there by other moms like me. The front of the stone says simply "In memory of the unborn children." The back comes from Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." I sat in the van. I wanted to get out but I didn't. The sun was streaming down and I thought about the excitement I felt when I learned I was pregnant, and the elation I felt when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and the devastation I experienced when that flicker was no longer on the screen. I stared at the little porcelain angels and read the verse over and over. And through the tears I had a moment of great peace. One of those moments when you just know God is all over it. I felt healing in that moment. It was a long time coming.

Then last night around 10:30 I was in the kitchen. Still thinking of the events of the morning. I had all 4 of the kids school pictures lined up on the counter. I was admiring them and feeling thankful for having four beautiful, healthy children when Ethan walked into the room. I told him again what a great picture he had taken with that famous Ethan smile, and then without even realizing what I was saying I said... "Ethan, the next time you get your picture taken it will be for Senior pictures." As soon as the words left my mouth my chin hit the floor and... so did his. We stood there, alone in the kitchen, mouths wide open, with the same look of disbelief and shock on both our faces. Right now it seems like we stared at each other forever as we both tried to get our heads around that. Then he smiled and put his arms around me and his chin on the top of my head. He hugged me tight and said chuckling "mom, it's ok." We laughed it off and he headed off to bed and I stood there and knew I would never forget that moment.

There is a new song by Selah that I absolutely love. I can't find it on playlist yet, but I will end this blog with my favorite part because it is so fitting in my life... "It makes me smile, but it makes me sad. To know I can't get these moments back. So I'm down on my knees. Help me soak it all in. I want all of this life, that you let me live. And when time flies by, oh remind me to breathe. Cause my heaven on earth, are moments like these."

Finding Myself at...

44... yep i said 44. What a crazy number. I remember when I was little and my grandparents were in there upper 40's and early 50's. They were ancient. I don't feel ancient. I just feel tired. Lol

Everytime I look in the mirror, all these lines in my face are definately getting clearer. (wait...isn't that a song?:) I swear I've aged 5 years in the last 2, but such is life. At times it is a difficult thing to deal with. The body may age, but the mind really doesn't. Sure you get wiser with each passing year, and you have more life lessons under your belt, but at the core of it all I don't think the mind is at the same point in time as the chronological number. Mentally I still feel 17.

So the vanity side of me took a moment of self-pity for moving closer to the back side of 40 and to mourn the passing of another year, but then I reminded myself of people I know who never had the chance to make it to their 40's. And those I know in their 40's who are dying of cancer. And the 30 year old in my nursing home who has been there for ten years due to a motorcycle accident and is dependent on someone else for his every need. Then 44 sounds pretty darn good. In fact it sounds amazing. There but for the grace of God go I.

I don't know what 44 will bring for me. God willing I will be posting and invariably whining a year from now about turning 45. I've said it before but I will say it again... I don't know what the future holds...but I know who holds the future. And for that I am thankful.

Happy 8th Jaden!

Our last baby boy Jaden...aka J...aka JP...aka Jade...aka Shade...aka Shady...aka Shady Park...aka Jbone...turned 8 last week. Lol :) So we partied Thursday with the family, Friday with all the friends, and Saturday with the extended family. I think he would agree it was a successful birthday.

Ethan was 9 and Austin was 7 when Jaden was born. He was the only one of the four that was born during the day. Labor Day actually fell on the day he was born that year so most of the family was in Jasper for the weekend and were able to be there when he arrived. One of my most vivid and favorite memories of all time was when Ethan and Austin walked into the room and looked at him for the first time. Still chokes me up when I think about it.

I miscarried at 10 weeks a couple of months before I got pregnant with Jaden...so when his birthday rolls around I always think about that baby too. I watched that little one slowly slipping away over the course of three weeks as a once strong heartbeat began to weaken with the passing days until it finally was there no more. Even though I don't understand, I take comfort in a loving God who knows what He is doing. And I am so thankful that even though He had to take one baby away for whatever reason, He gave me another to love.... And love him I do. He is an amazing child.

Happy 8th big boy :)

Speechless

That's how I find myself this morning. Speechless over the fact that summer is over and all my babies are gone and I am sitting here and there is no one around that needs me. It's surreal and will take some getting used to. I had one year between when Austin started kindergarten and when Jaden was born...other than that I have had at least one baby at my feet every minute for the last 17.2 years. No wonder I am pacing around in circles. I'm lost.

I didn't realize till today that I haven't posted since June. July and August are kind of a blur. As usual the summer breezed by before I realized what was happening. Ethan worked a 40 hour week all vacation long. It was pretty hard labor and it was a pretty hot summer so he realized right away the true value of a college education. Nothing like a good dose of the real world to put things in perspective.

Austin did his thing all summer. Get up, text the gf, play his guitar for awhile, eat, talk to the gf, watch some tv, text gf, more guitar, eat some more, etc... Then all in one week he went on his first date, got his permit, started drivers ed, and became my chauffer. That week left my head spinning. Not quite sure I have recovered yet to be honest.

Jaden and Ava had a great summer. Spent hour upon hour in the pool. Spent some time with all the grandparents. Drove their momma crazy. All the usual stuff.

Then last friday the dreaded day arrived. Ethan drove himself and some friends to start their Junior year. He was actually excited to be going back. Austin drove me and the babies for the start of his Freshman year. Wow. That was just weird. He parked in front of the high school and I got out of the passenger side to head back over to the driver side...we high-fived as we passed eachother and I don't think I have ever seen him smile that big. I opened the door to get back in the van and looked up and there was my 6'2" boy looking down at me as he walked by. Cue the water works.

I have done the walk of shame out of the elementary to the playground pretty much every year for the last 11. Trying to hold the big ugly cry in at least till I got in the car. This was the first time I was already choking it down before I even got to the door. Ava and I walked Jaden to his room in second grade. He's a pro at this by now so I didnt hang around long. Kissed his forehead and told him to have a good day. He said "don't worry mom." My kids know me well.

And then it was time. My very last "first first day" of kindergarten. We walked in and the first thing I noticed was that pretty much every kid towered above my tiny girl. The second thing I realized was that she did not recognize a single face. Not one. I knew the parents of maybe four of the kids in there. I took her and introduced her to a little girl that will be riding her bus and suggested they play together at recess. Then we found her desk and she sat down and I squatted beside her, arms around her, and there I froze. We sat and watched the other kids arrive in silence. Her little hands in mine sqeezing tightly. I didnt see how there was any way on this earth that I was going to be able to get up and leave her there. I whispered in her ear several times "are you ok" she said she was. I was so not.

I told the teacher about all her medical issues and her epi pen and inhaler and spacer and benedryl and as I rambled on I just kept thinking, I am not leaving her here...I can't possibly leave her here. But I did. I knealt down again and squeezed her and kissed her cheek about a hundred times and repeated over and over and over "you will be ok...you will be ok" but I'm not sure now if I was talking to her or me. As I walked out the door I turned and waited for her to look at me but she didnt. She looked straight ahead. And I came home to an empty and unbelievably quiet house. And that is where I sit today.

I couldn't ever begin to put into words the love I have for those kids. I am so in love with them that it causes me moments of unimaginable heartache and moments of joy I never knew possible. I sit here and wallow in self-pity for the times that have passed that won't return but I would not trade one single moment for anything in the world.

Here are some of my favorite pics from this summer :)

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Seventeen!

Yesterday my boy turned 17. Another hard one for me to wrap my head around. I traditionally tell him the story of his birth at bedtime on his birthday every year. Unfortunately last night we walked into his room to find the carpet soaking wet. So instead of story telling we were moving furniture and ripping up carpet. But that's ok... I will just tell it a day late. :)

We were living in the New Albany area because Aaron was working at UPS in Louisville. I had given up trying to get in and out of our waterbed a few months earlier, so we were sleeping in the spare bedroom. I spent the night sitting up in bed contracting every 10 minutes or so while watching OJ Simpsons now famous white bronco chase. When I think of my labor with Ethan... I always think of OJ.

We finally headed to the hospital about 5 a.m. We stopped at the McDonalds across the street first so Aaron could eat... while I contracted. However, Ethan was in no hurry and did not make his arrival until 6:16 that evening, after an extremely difficult forceps delivery. He weighed in at 8 lbs 3 oz. (same as his Uncle Kent) and had a head full of black hair. Not only was he our first baby, he was the biggest, outweighing both brothers and his sister by over a pound each, and also holds the record for most uncomfortable pregnancy, longest labor and most weight gained for me... I was HUGE!

The last seventeen years now seem like a blur, although some things seem like they happened only yesterday and are still vividly etched in my mind. His first steps, his seeing Austin for the first time, the first day of Kindergarten... etc. My tiny baby now stands at 6'2". I get whiplash trying to look up at him.

I had so many hopes and dreams for him the day he was born, so far they have all come true. He is such a country boy, so handsome, so smart, such a great person, always has a smile on his face, sensitive, considerate, caring, very aware of the feelings of others, and just a joy to be around.





Happy Birthday Ethan Michael!

Neverending story...

Tuesday we made the trip to Indy for more appointments. First we saw Ethan's hip doctor. The xrays showed everything looked great. No new bone growth. Doc said his strength and flexibility has greatly improved since his last visit. Due to his lower back deformity he will always be at risk for another hamstring injury so he needs to spend a lot of time trying to lengthen those muscles as much as possible. Other than that the nerve seems healed and he has been cleared. We can cross that one off the list.

Then it was on to the back doctor. Unfortunately that appt. did not go quite as well. We learned that the L4 vertebral fracture had not healed at all in the last six months and apparently won't without a bone graft...which may or may not even work. We want to avoid that at all costs so we all decided to just leave it as it is. Then we learned that L5 now has multiple stress fractures and he has three bulging discs. His spine in that area is starting to bow outward instead of curve inward. Explains all the increased pain. The reason behind all of these injuries boil down to a combination of two things... he has Scheuermann's disease, which is a juvenille degenerative disc disease, and he has a rare deformity of his 5th lumbar vertebrae. It is fused to his sacrum. He has no movement at all on one side of the joint and very limited movement on the other side. This causes a lot of pressure on his lower back and also causes his hamstrings to be short and tight...so the original avulsion fracture of his hamstring and pelvis was related after all.

So, now what to do. There is no quick fix. They were very clear in telling us this is a lifelong issue he will have to deal with. The extreme end of the treatment options would be to go in and fuse L3 L4 and L5 together which would give him very limited movement and end any sports he might want to be involved in pretty much forever. Because of his age we don't want any part of that until it becomes a necessity...which down the road it most likely will. There are other surgical options in between but for now we decided to do the least invasive and most conservative which would be to brace him. He will wear a custom made brace for the next 12 weeks in hopes that some of the new fractures in L5 will heal and the inflammation will calm down. If it works, he will move back into more therapy to focus on core strengthening and hopefully be able to function somewhat normally. If it doesn't work.... honestly I'm not even going there yet. We will just be praying very hard that it works.

He is taking it ok. He just says he is frustrated, and who wouldn't be. Poor kid has had almost 3 years of pain now, had an extremely invasive hip surgery that has left him with severe numbness in and around the 10" incision site, and for the last 6months has been very restricted on what he can and can't do. It's nothing an almost 17 year old should have to be dealing with that's for sure. But like I have said many times, he is an exceptional person and his faith is strong. We will just continue to take it one day at a time.

When life hands you lemons.....

I can tell you I have enough lemonade to last a lifetime. :) To say that we have had one crazy happening after another would be the understatement of the year. So much has happened in the last couple months I can't even remember it all....and if I did try to recount it all here no one would believe it anyway.

As I type this I am in bed recovering from a lovely hysterectomy. I got really sick at the end of january... had a blood transfusion, several iron infusions, three surgical procedures and now this, which I am hoping will put an end to all the madness. A couple of people have asked me if I feel "different" or "sad" or if I have an "empty" feeling now that my uterus is no longer. Even though this baby factory unofficially closed its doors five years ago...it's still a little bittersweet when the final shutdown comes. I find it a cruel twist of fate that they put recovering hysterectomy patients right across the hall from the baby nursery so you can lay there and hear the babies crying while you mourn the passing of your childbearing years. Oh well, such is life.

Before my surgery I managed to get Ethan to Indy for his back follow up. His lower back fracture has shown no sign of healing in the last six months and he has a new host of issues on his latest MRI, spondylolithesis being the most pressing, so that will be the next mountain to climb. The specialist will present us with our options for treatment on the 17th and has assured us we won't like any of them.

Between mine and Ethan's issues, Jaden and Ava both had stints with pneumonia. Ava's included her usual hospital stay. Prom came and went...as did Easter. Thank goodness and knock on wood the only thing Austin has in the works is braces. So far the first quarter of 2011 has been a big ol out of control blur. I'm hoping these last three weeks of school will go by peacefully and the Jones family will catch a much needed break. Here are a couple of recent pics...

Ethan and Victoria before the Shoals Prom

Ethan and Morgan (aka The girlfriend:) before Loogootee prom

Easter Sunday

View from my bed while recovering

5 years ago...

Five years ago this week I was given something I never thought I would have....a daughter. She was and still is a beauty.



I had heard "It's a Boy!" so many times, it took awhile for the whole girl thing to sink in. By that time I had boys all figured out. Boys are easy. So how much trouble could a precious tiny baby girl be... HA!

My illusions of what my little girl would be like didn't last long. At first it was great...pink frilly outfits and girly girl toys and even the hair bands I swore I would never put on my child's head. But as she developed her own little "personality" (which in her case is a BIG personality) she began to make her preferrences known.

So... I don't have a little girl who likes to wear dresses... she wears jeans.
I don't have a daughter who likes pretty little tops... she wears t-shirts.
Baby dolls... not so much. Baseballs and soccerballs...much better.
Pony tails or hair bows....Not a chance.
Furry little mittens.... Not practical. Work gloves... Now you're talking
A pink fairy princess bike won't do. An old brown hand me down boys bike rides much better.
Playing house...uh...No. Hauling wood... Heck Yes! (at least her john deere wheelbarrow is pink)

She is 32 pounds of pure opinion. She has her own mind and when it's made up ain't nobody gonna change it. She is stronger than all her brother's put together. If they can dish it out she can take it...and then some. She rules the roost. She's got us right where she wants us. She is the Queen.

Even though she isn't exactly the type of girl I envisioned, and despite all her bull headedness, she can be the sweetest thing I've ever seen or imagined. She has her sugar and spice moments....and they are THE best.

She wanted to make her own cake...


Blowing out the candles...


Her and her boys...


Her and her girls...


HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY AVA!

Happy 15th Austin

We celebrated Austin's 15th birthday last week in a typical low key Austin kinda way. His favorite foods...a dairy queen ice cream cake...and a trip to Guitar Center. He is a low maintenance kid and that's really all it takes to make him happy. He put his birthday money to great use and came back from his home away from home with a new acoustic guitar. His first acoustic. I could sit and listen to him play for hours. He does an amazing rendition of the Led Zeppelin song you are listening to right now on my playlist. SO much talent. SO clueless as to where it comes from. Lol

I find it very hard to believe that he could possibly be 15. He has grown into such an intellegent, genuine, caring, considerate, honest, sincere and trusting person with one of the best senses of humor ever. I could not possibly be any more proud of him than I am.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUB!!

Homecoming

Had to start with this picture. Born one month and one day apart...these two have been friends literally since birth. (I think this was their first argument. She still looks at him like this when he whines :)

They were sooooo cute then....



....and just look at them now <3


*(insert sobbing here... omg where does the time go)*

And even though the night didn't turn out exactly as we had hoped, we are soooo proud of them both.

The announcement


The crowning...(and a quick smooch I didn't catch on camera. lol)




Waiting for pictures



2011 Homecoming Court

Progress...

Progress is a good thing. Ethan is surpasing all of our expectations as far as his recovery is concerned. He graduated from walker, to crutches, to cane, had all 60 staples painstakingly removed...and a week from today he will be allowed to walk on his own. That's just shy of 5 weeks since surgery. Amazing considering what he's been thru.

The xray on the 7th showed things healing well. No new bone growth around the part they had to leave in, the hamstring appears to be reattaching, and the nerve looks great. We will go back on the first for another xray. If all is still ok, he will be able to begin some therapy and strength training.

His back, however, is in horrible condition. Came home from school yesterday and laid down on a heat pad. We will see the back specialist on the first also and hopefully come up with a plan of action. When your kid is in pain things just cannot move fast enough. It's especially hard to know there isn't going to be an easy fix.

He is handling things well. He has had his moments of frustration and depression but his spirit is strong. He's driving everywhere. Takes Austin and Jaden to and from school everyday. It's weird but kinda nice...sad but convenient. We are growing up together, he and I. Facing life's changes and challenges as they come. He supports and reassures me just as much as I do him. He helps me be a better mother to his brothers and his sister by working thru these times of adjustment with me. (They are sooo gonna thank him when their time comes:) I am very thankful for that and blessed beyond measure by what he brings to my life.