I didn't realize till today that I haven't posted since June. July and August are kind of a blur. As usual the summer breezed by before I realized what was happening. Ethan worked a 40 hour week all vacation long. It was pretty hard labor and it was a pretty hot summer so he realized right away the true value of a college education. Nothing like a good dose of the real world to put things in perspective.
Austin did his thing all summer. Get up, text the gf, play his guitar for awhile, eat, talk to the gf, watch some tv, text gf, more guitar, eat some more, etc... Then all in one week he went on his first date, got his permit, started drivers ed, and became my chauffer. That week left my head spinning. Not quite sure I have recovered yet to be honest.
Jaden and Ava had a great summer. Spent hour upon hour in the pool. Spent some time with all the grandparents. Drove their momma crazy. All the usual stuff.
Then last friday the dreaded day arrived. Ethan drove himself and some friends to start their Junior year. He was actually excited to be going back. Austin drove me and the babies for the start of his Freshman year. Wow. That was just weird. He parked in front of the high school and I got out of the passenger side to head back over to the driver side...we high-fived as we passed eachother and I don't think I have ever seen him smile that big. I opened the door to get back in the van and looked up and there was my 6'2" boy looking down at me as he walked by. Cue the water works.
I have done the walk of shame out of the elementary to the playground pretty much every year for the last 11. Trying to hold the big ugly cry in at least till I got in the car. This was the first time I was already choking it down before I even got to the door. Ava and I walked Jaden to his room in second grade. He's a pro at this by now so I didnt hang around long. Kissed his forehead and told him to have a good day. He said "don't worry mom." My kids know me well.
And then it was time. My very last "first first day" of kindergarten. We walked in and the first thing I noticed was that pretty much every kid towered above my tiny girl. The second thing I realized was that she did not recognize a single face. Not one. I knew the parents of maybe four of the kids in there. I took her and introduced her to a little girl that will be riding her bus and suggested they play together at recess. Then we found her desk and she sat down and I squatted beside her, arms around her, and there I froze. We sat and watched the other kids arrive in silence. Her little hands in mine sqeezing tightly. I didnt see how there was any way on this earth that I was going to be able to get up and leave her there. I whispered in her ear several times "are you ok" she said she was. I was so not.
I told the teacher about all her medical issues and her epi pen and inhaler and spacer and benedryl and as I rambled on I just kept thinking, I am not leaving her here...I can't possibly leave her here. But I did. I knealt down again and squeezed her and kissed her cheek about a hundred times and repeated over and over and over "you will be ok...you will be ok" but I'm not sure now if I was talking to her or me. As I walked out the door I turned and waited for her to look at me but she didnt. She looked straight ahead. And I came home to an empty and unbelievably quiet house. And that is where I sit today.
I couldn't ever begin to put into words the love I have for those kids. I am so in love with them that it causes me moments of unimaginable heartache and moments of joy I never knew possible. I sit here and wallow in self-pity for the times that have passed that won't return but I would not trade one single moment for anything in the world.
Here are some of my favorite pics from this summer :)
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2 comments:
Love this! Well said my friend, well said
Not only was I crying when I read this but I was laughing as well:) U r such an awesome loving momma! thinking of u!!
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