You know when you have those moments of clarity in the middle of an event, or a situation, or a conversation when you stop a minute and you know you will remember that moment forever. When the rest of the world goes still and the reality of that instant is being ingrained in your soul for all time. I had a couple of those yesterday.
I had an appt. with my surgeon yesterday morning to schedule my gallbladder surgery. Isn't that lovely. Three surgeries in one year. I asked him to take my appendix as well so there won't be anything left to remove... unfortunately I couldn't get him to go for that. :) Any way, every time I go to the Medical Arts Bldg. in Jasper I pass the big cemetery...it's the cemetery the hospital uses for the babies that die in early pregnancy. I have had a baby in that cemetery for 9 years now... but I have never visited. I must've driven by hundreds of times over the years and there hasn't been a single time I didn't think of the baby there. But I have never been able to turn into that drive. Until yesterday.
I had been told where the stone was. You can sort of see it from the road. As I got closer I could see all the little angels lined up around it. Angels put there by other moms like me. The front of the stone says simply "In memory of the unborn children." The back comes from Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." I sat in the van. I wanted to get out but I didn't. The sun was streaming down and I thought about the excitement I felt when I learned I was pregnant, and the elation I felt when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and the devastation I experienced when that flicker was no longer on the screen. I stared at the little porcelain angels and read the verse over and over. And through the tears I had a moment of great peace. One of those moments when you just know God is all over it. I felt healing in that moment. It was a long time coming.
Then last night around 10:30 I was in the kitchen. Still thinking of the events of the morning. I had all 4 of the kids school pictures lined up on the counter. I was admiring them and feeling thankful for having four beautiful, healthy children when Ethan walked into the room. I told him again what a great picture he had taken with that famous Ethan smile, and then without even realizing what I was saying I said... "Ethan, the next time you get your picture taken it will be for Senior pictures." As soon as the words left my mouth my chin hit the floor and... so did his. We stood there, alone in the kitchen, mouths wide open, with the same look of disbelief and shock on both our faces. Right now it seems like we stared at each other forever as we both tried to get our heads around that. Then he smiled and put his arms around me and his chin on the top of my head. He hugged me tight and said chuckling "mom, it's ok." We laughed it off and he headed off to bed and I stood there and knew I would never forget that moment.
There is a new song by Selah that I absolutely love. I can't find it on playlist yet, but I will end this blog with my favorite part because it is so fitting in my life... "It makes me smile, but it makes me sad. To know I can't get these moments back. So I'm down on my knees. Help me soak it all in. I want all of this life, that you let me live. And when time flies by, oh remind me to breathe. Cause my heaven on earth, are moments like these."
