Better late than never...

February 4th...which seems like only yesterday even though it was over two weeks ago...Austin turned 16...the big 1-6...SIXTEEN. I say it over and over to myself but it still doesn't seem possible. I don't know where the time goes. I only know that the older I get the faster it goes by.

I had to work 12 hours on his actual birthday so we celebrated the day before and the day after. As usual, per Austin's style, it was a low key event. Date with the gf and a dinner with all his favorites. Doesn't take much to make that boy happy.

I think this is probably the third or fourth birthday post I have written for him since I started blogging a few years ago. Each time I sit down to write it my mind goes back to that place in time. Austin was...well let's just call it like it is... a surprise. :) I remember vividly strapping Ethan into his carseat the day before his first birthday and driving to walmart in the rain. I made just one purchase that day. A pregnancy test.

All the way home I wondered what if... I had one in diapers, how could I handle another? How would Ethan react to no longer being the baby and the center of our world? We were at a big transition point in our lives. Building a house, new jobs, moving, etc... How could another child possibly enter the picture at this point?

I remember placing that test on the bathroom sink and walking to the kitchen to set the timer. I held Ethan on my hip and paced back and forth alone through the house. Half hoping, half dreading. It was possibly the longest three minutes of my life.

Before I even got all the way through the bathroom door I could see the big red plus sign. I fell to my knees and held on to Ethan and cried tears of joy. Even in the uncertainty of the times I wanted him at that moment more than I could have ever imagined.

Seven months later and 5 weeks ahead of schedule, I remember the 12 below zero weather, the ridiculously long labor, and the words "he's all yours," that the doctor said to me as she placed him in my arms for the first time.

That tiny little 7 pound orange-headed surprise is now an almost 6 foot orange-headed wonder. He amazes me with his many talents, his awesome sense of humor, his sensitivity, his empathy, his intellegence, and his pure-heartedness. He has grown into a person of great faith and conviction and I love that about him.

When I finally did get home from work on his actual birthday, we all watched videos of his first couple of years. He and Ethan laughed and laughed at the way they interacted with eachother. It made me so thankful to see that the bond they have shared from the day Austin came home has grown that much stronger over the years. They truly love, take care of and watch out for eachother. What more could a mother ask for.

God knows what He is doing. Our "surprise" was all part of His perfect plan. Happy 16th Bub. You are one of a kind and I love you. :)

Moments like these...

Been a long time since I sat down to post. Busy busy as usual. Holidays a blur. January almost over. Gotta soak it all in more. Enjoy the song and pics.

Finding Himself at 50...

B. Kent Burns, aka my big brother, woke up to find himself at 50 today. Over the course of the past week I have found myself really thinking about it. I have spent a couple of late nights going down memory lane. Looking at old pictures of the two of us. It just seems a bit unreal to me.

I realized that out of those 50 years, we only actually lived together for 13. He was 5 when I was born and went away to college at IU when he was 18. Thirteen years barely seems like a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. In fact, we built the house I live in now 16 years ago this month. So I have lived here longer than I ever lived with my brother. Somehow though, it feels like we spent a lifetime together in that house on the hill in the woods. And some of the greatest memories I have come from that short period in time.

We had the typical brother/sister love/hate relationship in the early years. And to this day we rarely speak without calling eachother "queer" or "maggot." But to us, those are the terms of highest endearment. There has never been a single day of my life that I have not looked up to, respected, been proud of and loved him beyond measure. He always has been and always will be my hero.

Happy Birthday Queer <3

Christmas morning in Loogootee

Our house in the woods

With our new baby brother

Christmas at Mom's about 9 years ago

Florida 2011

50th Bday Party

Moments....

You know when you have those moments of clarity in the middle of an event, or a situation, or a conversation when you stop a minute and you know you will remember that moment forever. When the rest of the world goes still and the reality of that instant is being ingrained in your soul for all time. I had a couple of those yesterday.

I had an appt. with my surgeon yesterday morning to schedule my gallbladder surgery. Isn't that lovely. Three surgeries in one year. I asked him to take my appendix as well so there won't be anything left to remove... unfortunately I couldn't get him to go for that. :) Any way, every time I go to the Medical Arts Bldg. in Jasper I pass the big cemetery...it's the cemetery the hospital uses for the babies that die in early pregnancy. I have had a baby in that cemetery for 9 years now... but I have never visited. I must've driven by hundreds of times over the years and there hasn't been a single time I didn't think of the baby there. But I have never been able to turn into that drive. Until yesterday.

I had been told where the stone was. You can sort of see it from the road. As I got closer I could see all the little angels lined up around it. Angels put there by other moms like me. The front of the stone says simply "In memory of the unborn children." The back comes from Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." I sat in the van. I wanted to get out but I didn't. The sun was streaming down and I thought about the excitement I felt when I learned I was pregnant, and the elation I felt when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and the devastation I experienced when that flicker was no longer on the screen. I stared at the little porcelain angels and read the verse over and over. And through the tears I had a moment of great peace. One of those moments when you just know God is all over it. I felt healing in that moment. It was a long time coming.

Then last night around 10:30 I was in the kitchen. Still thinking of the events of the morning. I had all 4 of the kids school pictures lined up on the counter. I was admiring them and feeling thankful for having four beautiful, healthy children when Ethan walked into the room. I told him again what a great picture he had taken with that famous Ethan smile, and then without even realizing what I was saying I said... "Ethan, the next time you get your picture taken it will be for Senior pictures." As soon as the words left my mouth my chin hit the floor and... so did his. We stood there, alone in the kitchen, mouths wide open, with the same look of disbelief and shock on both our faces. Right now it seems like we stared at each other forever as we both tried to get our heads around that. Then he smiled and put his arms around me and his chin on the top of my head. He hugged me tight and said chuckling "mom, it's ok." We laughed it off and he headed off to bed and I stood there and knew I would never forget that moment.

There is a new song by Selah that I absolutely love. I can't find it on playlist yet, but I will end this blog with my favorite part because it is so fitting in my life... "It makes me smile, but it makes me sad. To know I can't get these moments back. So I'm down on my knees. Help me soak it all in. I want all of this life, that you let me live. And when time flies by, oh remind me to breathe. Cause my heaven on earth, are moments like these."

Finding Myself at...

44... yep i said 44. What a crazy number. I remember when I was little and my grandparents were in there upper 40's and early 50's. They were ancient. I don't feel ancient. I just feel tired. Lol

Everytime I look in the mirror, all these lines in my face are definately getting clearer. (wait...isn't that a song?:) I swear I've aged 5 years in the last 2, but such is life. At times it is a difficult thing to deal with. The body may age, but the mind really doesn't. Sure you get wiser with each passing year, and you have more life lessons under your belt, but at the core of it all I don't think the mind is at the same point in time as the chronological number. Mentally I still feel 17.

So the vanity side of me took a moment of self-pity for moving closer to the back side of 40 and to mourn the passing of another year, but then I reminded myself of people I know who never had the chance to make it to their 40's. And those I know in their 40's who are dying of cancer. And the 30 year old in my nursing home who has been there for ten years due to a motorcycle accident and is dependent on someone else for his every need. Then 44 sounds pretty darn good. In fact it sounds amazing. There but for the grace of God go I.

I don't know what 44 will bring for me. God willing I will be posting and invariably whining a year from now about turning 45. I've said it before but I will say it again... I don't know what the future holds...but I know who holds the future. And for that I am thankful.

Happy 8th Jaden!

Our last baby boy Jaden...aka J...aka JP...aka Jade...aka Shade...aka Shady...aka Shady Park...aka Jbone...turned 8 last week. Lol :) So we partied Thursday with the family, Friday with all the friends, and Saturday with the extended family. I think he would agree it was a successful birthday.

Ethan was 9 and Austin was 7 when Jaden was born. He was the only one of the four that was born during the day. Labor Day actually fell on the day he was born that year so most of the family was in Jasper for the weekend and were able to be there when he arrived. One of my most vivid and favorite memories of all time was when Ethan and Austin walked into the room and looked at him for the first time. Still chokes me up when I think about it.

I miscarried at 10 weeks a couple of months before I got pregnant with Jaden...so when his birthday rolls around I always think about that baby too. I watched that little one slowly slipping away over the course of three weeks as a once strong heartbeat began to weaken with the passing days until it finally was there no more. Even though I don't understand, I take comfort in a loving God who knows what He is doing. And I am so thankful that even though He had to take one baby away for whatever reason, He gave me another to love.... And love him I do. He is an amazing child.

Happy 8th big boy :)

Speechless

That's how I find myself this morning. Speechless over the fact that summer is over and all my babies are gone and I am sitting here and there is no one around that needs me. It's surreal and will take some getting used to. I had one year between when Austin started kindergarten and when Jaden was born...other than that I have had at least one baby at my feet every minute for the last 17.2 years. No wonder I am pacing around in circles. I'm lost.

I didn't realize till today that I haven't posted since June. July and August are kind of a blur. As usual the summer breezed by before I realized what was happening. Ethan worked a 40 hour week all vacation long. It was pretty hard labor and it was a pretty hot summer so he realized right away the true value of a college education. Nothing like a good dose of the real world to put things in perspective.

Austin did his thing all summer. Get up, text the gf, play his guitar for awhile, eat, talk to the gf, watch some tv, text gf, more guitar, eat some more, etc... Then all in one week he went on his first date, got his permit, started drivers ed, and became my chauffer. That week left my head spinning. Not quite sure I have recovered yet to be honest.

Jaden and Ava had a great summer. Spent hour upon hour in the pool. Spent some time with all the grandparents. Drove their momma crazy. All the usual stuff.

Then last friday the dreaded day arrived. Ethan drove himself and some friends to start their Junior year. He was actually excited to be going back. Austin drove me and the babies for the start of his Freshman year. Wow. That was just weird. He parked in front of the high school and I got out of the passenger side to head back over to the driver side...we high-fived as we passed eachother and I don't think I have ever seen him smile that big. I opened the door to get back in the van and looked up and there was my 6'2" boy looking down at me as he walked by. Cue the water works.

I have done the walk of shame out of the elementary to the playground pretty much every year for the last 11. Trying to hold the big ugly cry in at least till I got in the car. This was the first time I was already choking it down before I even got to the door. Ava and I walked Jaden to his room in second grade. He's a pro at this by now so I didnt hang around long. Kissed his forehead and told him to have a good day. He said "don't worry mom." My kids know me well.

And then it was time. My very last "first first day" of kindergarten. We walked in and the first thing I noticed was that pretty much every kid towered above my tiny girl. The second thing I realized was that she did not recognize a single face. Not one. I knew the parents of maybe four of the kids in there. I took her and introduced her to a little girl that will be riding her bus and suggested they play together at recess. Then we found her desk and she sat down and I squatted beside her, arms around her, and there I froze. We sat and watched the other kids arrive in silence. Her little hands in mine sqeezing tightly. I didnt see how there was any way on this earth that I was going to be able to get up and leave her there. I whispered in her ear several times "are you ok" she said she was. I was so not.

I told the teacher about all her medical issues and her epi pen and inhaler and spacer and benedryl and as I rambled on I just kept thinking, I am not leaving her here...I can't possibly leave her here. But I did. I knealt down again and squeezed her and kissed her cheek about a hundred times and repeated over and over and over "you will be ok...you will be ok" but I'm not sure now if I was talking to her or me. As I walked out the door I turned and waited for her to look at me but she didnt. She looked straight ahead. And I came home to an empty and unbelievably quiet house. And that is where I sit today.

I couldn't ever begin to put into words the love I have for those kids. I am so in love with them that it causes me moments of unimaginable heartache and moments of joy I never knew possible. I sit here and wallow in self-pity for the times that have passed that won't return but I would not trade one single moment for anything in the world.

Here are some of my favorite pics from this summer :)

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